Kiss
Puke
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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