I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
