When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
