I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
A bitchslap is in order.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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