But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
