Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
