so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
thus making me awesome and them whores
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
