Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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