i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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