I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
