Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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