I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
