Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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