Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
