Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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