Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
