my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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