she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
