I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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