she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
