I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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