Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
