Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
