her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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