Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize