Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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