the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
