did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
