sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
