I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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