I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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