Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
