my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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