you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
