drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
