I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
