I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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