if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
