How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I puked a lego.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
