Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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