hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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