just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize