i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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