there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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