my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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