the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
