Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
