There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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