16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
