to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
