You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
