So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
