I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
