I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize